If you met me in the past weeks and still like me, you either are a serious people lover, a masochist, or someone who knows me for a long time and knows that I was not my usual self. I mean, I did not even like myself. Releasing on the subject of self-value and self-confidence, I had hit on a massive block of anger. Red hot anger. And where it usually is hidden very nicely under layers of denial and my desire to be kind, it had risen to just under the surface. It was palpable, not only to myself but also to others. Rather unpleasant, always on the verge of erupting. Last Sunday, I could no longer push it down, nor did I want to, but I was not ready to face it either, or willing to explode, so I imploded. Which meant that I allowed the anger run free through my body and mind. Not pretty, not effective, but the best I could do at that moment. Needless to say, I had an interesting Sunday. My anger was directed towards my husband, who was running a 30K that day, which was both the provocation of my anger and lucky for him. Of course, he could feel that something was very off, but I told him not to worry about it, I might be angry because of something he did, and my anger might be directed at him, but he wasn’t the source of my anger. I would process it and then I would share.
It took me the whole day to get to the point where I was ready to go to the source of my anger. I am not good with anger. My primary emotion is sadness, which I know how to handle. Anger on the other hand is something I have learned to suppress. Anger feels very threatening to me. And after what happened during releasing I understand why. After sitting on the couch most of the evening, venting internally, not able to concentrate on anything else, my husband silently tucked away in a corner, doing his best not to attract my attention in anyway, I said I was going to bed. What I meant was that I was going to release. Something I usually do in the safe space I call my bed.
Releasing this anger was one of the most intense things I ever did. In the process, I discovered that red hot anger is not just an expression, nor is the Dutch saying “je gal spugen” (litterally spit your bile which means to speak your anger). The region around my belly button was so hot you could fry an egg on it, and it was cramping and stinging involuntarily. The energy between my hands was so hot it was actually painful to my hands, and I had to resist the urge to break the interaction. Then there was this horrid taste in my mouth which took me some time to recognize as bile. Yet all this physical releasing was nothing compared to the emotional part of the process, the raw anger that I felt. There was such power behind it, releasing it was a scary experience. Somehow I felt like I had landed in a live version of The Exorcist. Brrrr!
I felt the anger I had stored for not having been heard, for not having my emotional and physical needs met when I was too young to provide that for myself. I felt anger for my voice not to matter, for it not having been valued, for me not having been valued for who I am. For the first time in my life, I felt the intense anger directed toward my father for not being able to provide the emotional safety and support I had needed as a child. And I felt the anger I held for myself for being so impressionable, for perpetuating the pattern, for not seeing my value, for allowing people to treat me the way they did. And then it subsided. I went downstairs, I gave my husband a hug and went to sleep. I have never slept so peacefully. I felt cared for, watched over. But that wasn’t the end of the process. Yesterday, after watching a masterclass with Harv Eker, when I layed in bed, I noticed a heightened energy around my belly button. I played with it and released whatever needed to be released. This releasing was impersonal and more of a simple energetic adjustment than anything else. And then this morning, at breakfast, after I won our daily game of egg tapping, I felt a giggle rising up from my toes, bubbly like champagne, I just laughed and laughed and laughed uncontrollably, until it subsided minutes later. It was bizarre and logical at the same time. The pain was healed, the process done.
Most people are uncomfortable around this subject of sitting in your pain and allowing it to flow through you. Some because they are afraid of what will come up, because they don’t know if they can handle it and others because they believe that you should not focus on any negativity. To the first group I will say that your psyche will only process what you are ready to process. Remember that I have been doing this for years, and I never got anything that was too big for my plate. To the second group I will say that you have been falsely led to believe that ignoring negativity is the same as positivity, it is not. True positivity is being able to deal with what is happening by facing it compassionately and honestly, instead of sticking your head in the sand and hoping it will pass quickly. Whatever negativity you notice in the world is present within you. Without addressing it effectively, it will keep you back and limit you, until you are ready to feel the pain it is causing you and release it. Any perceived negativity within or without is a misalignment with your true nature, a limitation of your full potential. It is a conflict between your ego and your soul. It is an opportunity for growth and an invitation to expand. Take it.
Image by Juan Perez