long story short

I was 27. I had been increasingly unhappy for twenty years. I didn’t know why. But I no longer could take the overwhelming sadness and feeling of separateness. I dreamed of suicide. One afternoon, I decided it was an option. I felt so relieved. For a few hours, I felt completely liberated. Then I realized that I could not go through with it. But something had changed. And I could not go back to the person I had been a few hours earlier. For a month, I prayed to God to take me Home. Nothing happened. I got angrier than I had ever been in my entire life. And then, out of nowhere, it happened. A light went on in my head. I knew I had only one choice, and that was to be happy. I had no clue what happiness looked like, but I committed to it.

I slowly started to become aware of my thoughts and emotions, and hold space for them. Though I didn’t have words for it at the time, I was practicing what we now call mindfulness. I read over a hundred books on happiness, joy, psychology and spirituality.  I uncovered and moved through deep emotional wounds that were created through the 7-week separation from my parents at birth, and the sexual abuse I endured from the age of seven until about eleven. I know what it means to suffer, to hurt so deeply that life has lost all luster. I know what it is like to feel utterly powerless and worthless, to experience a shame so deep that it is completely embodied, and to have no sense of self, to be completely lost and without voice.

On my healing journey, I’ve not only been allowed to feel and process the vast range of painful emotions that were buried in my body and mind, but also to understand what it means to heal and be fully human, and to develop deep intuitive abilities and tap into universal wisdom. I learned to remain present with those parts of myself that were deeply hurting, and hold them as a loving parent would. I learned to see and hear them, and give them what they needed most.

I’ve come to a place of acceptance, forgiveness, and deep peace. I am so grateful for the richness of the lessons I have been privileged to learn. I found joy and fulfillment and a deep sense of belonging. The healing happened naturally as I learned to love all of myself and my life. My journey showed me that healing and transformation do not happen through striving, but through mindful awareness and gentle self-acceptance.

Today, I’m 52. I don’t know what’s next. I’m in no hurry to find out. Because for the first time in my life, my self-worth is not determined by productivity or society’s definition of success. Instead of being driven by fear, I am trusting the journey. Life is unfolding at the perfect pace. And inspiration will find me when the time is right.

If you’re curious how this story will unfold, subscribe to my newsletter below. If you want to know what you get yourself into, read here what it’s all about first. Sharing my journey is a joy. And I would love to have you as my traveling companion.

Peace and Joy,

Hermien