A lump in my throat

Eckhart Tolle calls it our pain body, Carolyn Myss calls it our anchors, and Mario Martinez calls it our joy ceilings. Most of us have it / them, and for some of us they are dense, heavy or low. They are the unprocessed traumas, unchallenged acquired beliefs, the stories woven around them, and the emotions attached to them, we are not aware of. They keep us mentally, emotionally and vibrationally stuck in past experiences. They keep us small on all levels.
For the past years, I have been clearing my basement of traumas and beliefs, of stories, of feelings of powerlessness, of abandonment, of loneliness, of grief, of sadness and anger. Last week, I opened a box and was presented with even more sadness. It is dark in the basement, I can’t see how many boxes there are left. Maybe that’s a good thing, because I don’t know how much more sadness I can take.

Last Friday, I said to myself: ‘What if I admitted to not knowing what I want?’ What if I allowed myself to just not know what I really want?’ Those magic words opened a box that I have been avoiding for many years. I always knew it was there, but I never was ready to look inside. Instantly, my jaw clenched in a semi-open position and an uncontrolled wail started coming out of my throat. There was nothing I could do but to sit it out. It was so weird, and painful, and scary, and sad, so sad. After five minutes, my jaw relaxed and the wailing stopped, but the pain and the sadness just kept pouring out. They still are. I am taking it slowly, I can only take so much.
Not being able to express what I wanted as a kid, I started censoring myself, not allowing to want what I wanted, simply because I believed my parents wouldn’t approve, manufacturing desires they would not only approve of, but that would make them love me. I became very good at that. Ever since, all those years, I have been frantically trying to find the sense of direction our desires provide, always missing the mark. Not knowing where to look, not trusting myself on anything. Always trying new things, convinced this time it would work, but they never did. I tried harder than anyone I know. Always in vain. So much pain.
Today, my throat is sore, my voice is almost inaudible, my ears tingle, my mouth feels dry and my gum is sensitive. Sadness is only skin deep. I don’t know what I want. I’m scared of what it might be. Even though I have no clue what I want, I am afraid of my desires, they feel wrong and sinful – in the traditional sense of the word. Like Adam and Eve, I feel naked, vulnerable, exposed. I don’t even know if this life is the life I want. I am scared to death it isn’t. I am afraid I will hurt the people I love the most. I am so afraid that I want something so different from what I have now, that the life I want will be incompatible with the life I have. If I could close this box again, I would, but I can’t. No more playing small. No more pretending. No more false confidence. I really, really, really don’t know what I want. There, I’ve said it. And even though it hurts, it is liberating, freeing, to let go of a script I wasn’t even aware I was following. I am clearing my throat.

The pain and sadness we have stored in our bodies in our lifetime, at one point or another, is weighing us down emotionally. Feeling the pain, allowing ourselves to go through the feelings, memories, stories and beliefs attached to it, we loose emotional weight. Our pain body gets lighter, anchors are loosened and our joy ceiling gets raised. Letting go of lower vibrational experiences we stored in our energetic body, we raise our base frequency. And in raising this frequency, we more easily attract into our lives higher vibration emotions like joy and love, because we can only resonate with people and experiences that vibrate at our frequency, like attracts like.

picture by Steph P